Halaptov, Sophie is 21

“You’re doing what?!” Beth stares at me, outraged, arms crossed. I hold my head to the side, a little confused at their reaction.

“Are you sure Soph?” Steve says with a bit of a sad look on his face. “Gawd, I can’t blame you for wanting to live with Abigail, but first we lose Rob, and now you too. The old team’s falling apart at the seams.”

“Come on, Steve, they were going to reassign us all soon anyway, even before the war.” Mickey is sad too but he’s making an effort to be on my side. He looks at me pointedly. “We’ll all still see each other…”

“Yeah!” I try to reassure them all. “The Alliance wants me to help as a go-between between the Staarus system and them, so I’m sure I’ll be making plenty of trips to Base 17 anyway.” I can see Mickey start to frown so I hurry to add. “And even if I don’t need to for work, I will anyway, because I love you guys and I’m always going to want to see you.”

“You’re mostly doing this for Abigail though,” Beth says and I’m surprised how judgemental they sound. “Moving for a girlfriend is dangerous territory. You can’t just give up your whole life for her! And one tiny system. Think of everything you’ve done in your life, let alone in the past few years with the Alliance. Don’t you feel like you’ll be tied down here?”

I stare at them. Beth has always been a good friend to me, but sometimes we have these situations where we just don’t understand each other. When I look at them and I realise our brains just don’t work the same. How could they say things like that about me, about Abigail? Don’t they want me to be happy? Do they think that I’m being coerced into this, that this isn’t what I want?

“What’s wrong with Abigail?” I ask, starting to feel angry. I want to say goodbye to them properly, let them know how much they all mean to me, how much I will miss each and every one of them, but they’re making this harder than it should be.

Mickey and Steve rush to assure me that they like Abigail, adore her even, think she works well with me. Beth chimes in a little unconvincingly. I am placated, though I still feel a little uneasy

Days later, we gather as the Alliance ships are preparing to leave. I will be following them back to Base before I head to Flauraan, but I still have a lot to work on here on Halaptov, especially with Rojjel.

“Take care of yourself Sophie,” Steve says, inching towards me and resting his face against my outstretched hand. “And that arm of yours. Call me if you ever want help with it. Don’t forget to take it off regularly, oil the mechanisms, fine tune it and all.”

Mickey engulfs me in a hug. I know that I will be seeing him so soon but I blink back tears as the enormity of my decision hits me. We’ve been a team for years. I won’t get to see Mickey everyday anymore, or any of them, or anyone else in the Alliance. Actually I’ll still see Xeq for a bit because the Rec Squad is going to be hanging around for a bit longer, but anyway. I try to remind myself that Mickey is right, that we were all about to be reassigned anyway, that everything was going to change regardless. But still, it’s hard to pull back from the hug, from that utterly important part of my life.

I approach Beth last. I can tell they’re still upset with me. I don’t want Beth to leave on a bad note, don’t want our friendship to be spoiled by this. From the moment we met, Beth and I gravitated to each other, and we got so lucky that I was able to convince Robyn to add them to our team, and you could hardly ask for a better friend. They dropped everything to organise the Alliance to come provide aid in the Weraynian war, and I will always owe them for that. And, and and and, (I’m not supposed to be thinking these things, I’m not supposed to be blaming myself for these things), they still haven’t recovered fully from the blast, and they might never, and it’s my fault it’s all my fault and surely they’re thinking this too, thinking that they came here for my sake and they got injured in a blast that I walked away from unharmed (well, robot arm aside) and even with everything else that happened I still ended up with a girlfriend and now I’m leaving my friends for her and seeing myself through Beth’s eyes I realise that I do seem heartless and I feel horrible. I take their hands, and they stare coolly back at me.

“What can I do, Beth?” I ask, and watch as they press their lips into a thin line.

They don’t look at me for a moment, glancing at the others instead, but then they shake their head and punch me in the arm, the human one. “Just make sure you visit, idiot. If you don’t I’m going to be forced to come abduct you from Flauraan.”

I smile, relieved. “Don’t worry. I’ll be around so much you’ll wish you could get rid of me.”

We grin at each other, having made up at least. I really do intend to visit as often as I can, but there’s so many steps before I can even think about that.

At the end of the day, I’m right now saying goodbye yet again to people I care about, left behind in a spaceport as I watch their ships ascend until I am left alone. Like when Alexa and Jayken left. Like when Abi left. Like when - I have this horrible flash as a memory I didn’t even know I had resurfaces, and for a moment I am a nine year old clutching my ammi’s hand watching my father’s ship vanish behind clouds, not knowing that the next time I see it will be in ruins and littered with corpses. I shudder, screw my eyes shut, then shake it off and wander aimlessly away.

So much has changed since then, I tell myself. I’m not that kid anymore. But that’s the problem isn’t it? I felt invincible back then. I could never have imagined anything but the best outcomes. Now I know all the ways things can go wrong. Now all I know is how much there is to lose.